Doom Springs Eternal...

I would like to take a brief moment, as we approach week 2 of the NFL season, to say a little bit about what it means to be 0-1.

It is clear that, given their preference, every team wants to win in week 1. Sure, technically, no week is more important than any other when it comes to the League's grueling seventeen week dance with the devil, but coming out on top in week one does mean something, because, for at least one week, perfection is still possible. If, however, you do fall on that unfortunate other side of the coin and lose your first game, the paranoia that often accompanies failure will soon follow, and the thought will begin to creep into your head as you stand next to a 355 lb. man-child in the shower after practice that you suck, your team sucks, and even though it's hard to go 0-16, if anyone is going to do it, it's going to be you. Just think about it for a moment and maybe you'll understand the fear and pain and shame that IS being 0-1. Statistically, you've lost an infinitely higher percentage of games than you've won. Plus, you're just a roughing-the-passer and red zone fumbles from being 0-2, which is a hole nobody wants to be in. The pitfalls are many, and, at 0-1, they look harder and harder to jump over.

I'm sure to those of you savvy with the NFL and its notoriously difficult-to-predict contests see this as some sort of attempt to comment on teams like San Diego, Jacksonville, Cleveland and Indianapolis, all Super Bowl darlings who took it on the chin (three of them from teams in the "lowly" NFC!) in week one, but, rest assured, it is far more selfish, far less noble, than that. You see, I too suffer from the melancholy and malaise that plagues the losers I mentioned above, for I too am 0-1. I suffered a humiliating spanking at the hands of my nemesis' wife on Sunday. *Pause for giggles* My fantasy team, full of big names like Peterson, Fitzgerald, Colston, Clark and Maroney, got whipped by hers, a squad so full of apparent studs that it stands to reason she resorted to black magic during the draft to trick us all into avoiding the players she so desperately wanted. Never you mind that they're all just players with funny names. So here I stand, on the brink of doom, poised for an 0-16 slog through the worst of times, and I have begun to implode. I traded Adrian Peterson for Joe Addai, Matt Forte, and Owen Daniels. And I'm happy with that. The problem is not that I worry about making a poor decision, the problem is that I wonder if it's even worth it any more, if any of this means anything, or if the world is just a cold, cruel place devoid of love and felicity. *Pause for sniffling*

You see what I mean. 0-1 takes its toll and takes it hard (that's what she said). If, however, I am to survive this despondency, I have to pick myself up and dust myself off and prepare to turn this thing around. After all, not all 0-1 starts are created equal. The Browns, for example, can take some solace in their lost to the Cowboys, because the 'boys may be the best the NFC has to offer, and now you know what you have to do to rise above "cute story" status to full-fledged Super Bowl contender. Things, of course, don't looks so bright for San Diego, who not only lost to a team so sad-sack that its quarterback was nearly suicidal, but lost their defensive motivator and general havoc-wreaker Shawne Merriman for the season soon after. There is, then, hope for some more than others. My fantasy team - though Colston is out for six weeks - is still fairly strong, and when I look around the league, I see opportunities to do some damage. I might just be alright if I can regroup, hit the weights, and take this one game at a time, because, men, football isn't like baseball, where if you lose the first one you might as well give up. So let's go out there and win this one for the gipper! We can do it men, because no one, and I mean no one COMES INTO OUR HOUSE AND TAKES ONE FROM US! YEEHAW! WHOO! U-S-A!



Ahem...
My sincerest apologies for that outburst. Please forgive me. Umm... I'm going to go teach an English class now.

I weep for the future.